The art of forgiveness – Taking Control!

Before I write anything, this is the what I wanted to talk about. The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the five stages of grief, says that someone faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate experiences a series of emotional stages:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

This is what Wiki thinks about it. And sadly, this is what we go through, when we talk about love, or when we experience heart-break. Everyone goes through it, tried to understand, form a rationale on why and how it happened. But well, sad news, we can’t just figure it out. We refuse to accept it at first, we are the blessed ones, this can’t doom upon us. When we move to anger, we blame everyone on this planet, for reasons unknown. We bargain with pain, we bargain with feelings, we bargain with hurt, to make our lives easy. We increase our workouts at gym extra half an hour to fight the sadness, we hide in alcohol to cry at times, we don’t remember. And finally we accept, we accept to yield control, we accept to give our lives away.

Love doesn’t kill us, neither does heartbreak, letting go does.

I believe life is what you want it to be. Life can be a telescope. Look through one end, and on the other side you would see the whole word, coalesced into a single view, ready to be lived, enjoyed, explored on the dark roads, with happiness like stars, asking us to visit and stop by. Or, life can be a peephole. It would block your vision, show you what you want to see, no future, no past. Feed you the information, the way you want it. Censored and controlled, the way your peephole wants it to be.

The mental faculties, permit us to make our decision. How do you want it to be? Live life with an outlook that challenges every boundary or living tied to a rope and hook, of radius as big as the peephole’s.

I don’t know how you would like it, for me its the telescope, I am going with. There’s nothing better than living a life, where you never know what might happen at the next curve. The question then arises, who do you want to live it with?

Do you wish to go with the five cycles of grief? Do you accept the outcome as it is. Or is it because, you are too afraid to go and grab what is yours? I have never been a supporter of arranged marriages, not because our parents don’t know what’s right for us. Maybe they know what’s best. But do you have the courage to leave your life’s decisions on them? Do you have your life in control or is it yielding control? Have you done everything you could? Or you have missed out the most important part, TAKING CONTROL !

So why don’t you do it? Why don’t you tell Kubler to screw herself a thousand times, because life isn’t supposed to be grieved. Life is about loving, life is about forgiving. If there was commitment, how can you let it die? A mother never tells her kid that they ain’t hers. I remember the time when I couldn’t clear a subject in school . My family of intellectuals were dismayed. And then my mother, a school topper, university topper, a name in her field in Delhi and most importantly, one of the most hardworking person I know, came and sat with me. She did not say a word, just hugged me tight and told me, that she was proud of me still and that I have never disappointed her. Today, I plan to teach the same subject to anyone who wants to learn it ( Mathematics, FYI ).

The reason behind this example wasn’t that your parents don’t care if you flunk or not, but that they know moving on is important. More than that, forgiving is! How could I score if I lived with the guilt that I had disappointed her?

It’s not mothers, they are the epitome of love. There are people who need your love too. There are people who are willing to love every bit of you.

So why don’t you do something. Think of someone who you need to forgive. Think of someone who is still there, waiting for you to forgive him for whatever he has done. Think of someone who is waiting for you to come back, to live on the promises that you had made once, the times when it was all sunny, there were no signs of the dark clouds.

Sometimes, we get engrossed in our lives so much that we forget the bigger issues that we need to face. Have you ever been in love with someone, irrespective of the duration and still miss every second of that time? What would you do when the one meant for you gets married to some one else? Would you be able to face yourself ? Would you be able to face yourself when you see your newly born daughter and you can only think of the name that you had promised your lover ten years back?  Would you be able to face yourself when you promise someone for life around the sacred fire, but your heart still longs for that outline of her in the crowd, dressed in red, asking you to break off the shackles. Would you be able to justify yourself to god on that wintry morning, when you see her image in the dense fog and yet you can’t seem to get hold of her?

If you can, you have made peace with yourself, you have lived the five living fires of grief. There’s nothing ahead, you have lived and repented in a single life time. You are better than us, you are people with depth unfathomable, you deserve respect wherever you are. For what’s worth, you might stop reading this here itself.

But if you can’t, don’t sit back. Take a step back where ever you are. Think how with every possible step ahead, you are moving away from someone who changed you so effortlessly, so easily. Think how walking away is so easy, that loving someone all your life became so hard. Would you be able to see their family portrait, with you nowhere in the frame? So why don’t you do what my mom did to me, eight years back. The magnitude might be different, but then how do you measure things like love, failure, disappointment, forgiveness. Learn from your parents, learn from people who have sworn on their lives to be just yours, learn how they have built their life around you !

Too clichéd as it may sound, life is too small to resent and hate. Life isn’t too long for love either! How can you love somebody else now when your heart isn’t yours to begin with.  You have invested in something, how can you run away before it shows its worth. Go back to it .

Show we are bigger than life, show we are better people! Show circumstances that we won’t let them win, that we are stronger, that we would hold hands of our loved ones and that whatever might happen, you would never be far from them! Show that,  you would come back and you would be there through thick and thin.

Remember this:

Love is like sand, you hold it in your hand, hoping it would stay, but somewhere it finds cracks and slips through. Slips so peacefully, that you never seem to notice it, unless its gone, mixed with earth, faintly descriptive. But then, sand sparkles too. The right amount of light, and YOUR sand glitters, glitters like gold for a certain iota. Go the extra mile, accumulate every bit of it, before the tide gets angry and washes it away, never to meet, never to be found again. 

Newborn Love :)

“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you”

There are lot of things common between a newborn child and newborn love. Both feel new and both make us cry the moment we see it.  For someone love is easy to find, like an apple on a tree, ripe and ready to be plucked. For some it is a lifelong endeavour to find the one, the one who finishes the puzzle, who sets the heart in motion and who hears every bit of you happily. Love for me is the smile, the smile that melts you every time you see it, love for me are the tears, the tears that make your heart weep. Love for me is the strength, the courage to protect the one from all the challenges life throws at you.

Love for me are the feelings I felt as a fourteen year old boy, the moment she entered in my classroom. And those are not my feelings, these are what everyone felt as a teenager. Remember those nervous eye contacts? Remember those times when you would see someone and quickly turn around? Remember the moments when you would run across the corridor to catch sight of them? Remember those long walks home talking about things that do not matter? And now, do you wonder, where have all these things gone? Why is love now a lust but not a craving?

Everyone seems to say when you grow up life gets complicated, love gets harder to find and sex becomes easier. The truth is, none of it matters. Love never had any degrees, you do not love someone forty percent or one fifth of the total, it is there or it is not. Love does not differentiate with age, it does not care how old you are.

Its the definitions of love that change. Parameters of love as we grow up then vary on the salary you earn or the beer you drink or the car you drive or the abs you have whilst it should have just been with the heart which beats for you. If our heart doesn’t want someone, we force it to beat with a stick. Ask yourself, is it worth it?

You would know its love when you would see past that pretty dress or a confident smile, a heart begging to be loved. You would know its love , when in a crowd, you’ll see her and know this instantly, she might be surrounded by all but she wants to be loved by one. You would know its love when your heart would tell you, okay buddy, this soul is never going to be alone. You would know its love when you would have that sheepish little smile over the silliest text he/she sent. You would know its love  when all the endearments like baby, beautiful and princess which were exceedingly sentimental would now hold a charm.

There would be no wooing, she would know. But if you are still shy enough, get her flowers, write her a letter. She might be eleven, she might be twenty one or she might be half a centennial, there would be no female who wont love flowers.

There are some who say a guy doesn’t know how to love. The truth is that a guy associates with love more than anything else. He won’t go to sleep knowing you are hungry, he would hear you patiently when you talk about your second cousins and he would travel a length, to be around you, just because he values your smile.  He won’t let you know, but he’ll die a hundred lives when a tear would drop from your eyes.

So why don’t you make your life simple? Why do you complicate with all the unnecessary hustle? Why can’t you shut your mind and let the peacefulness of the heart take over? Why don’t you believe your eyes and follow your hearts? Why don’t you believe in the person with whom you could talk all night? Why can’t you move past the fancy facade and see the guy who texts you every moment to ensure that you are fine. Why can’t you see your pain makes him sad? Why can’t you focus your one little heart on another?

Simple things are always around. Learn to untangle and learn to love and learn to spot that silly little face which lights up when you smile.

For all its worth, there’ someone who would love you till the end. And it would always be right in front of you 🙂

Love, Lucifer.

Nine different ways of moving on !

Got out of a relationship that you always hated? Got out of relationship that was your rebound? Got out of a relationship where the partner just wasn’t worth it? Got out of a relationship where your heart was broken? Got out of a relationship that was your everything?

These are one of those daily scenarios how people get out of relationships. These might have happened to you, these might have happened to your family or this might have happened to your friends. And well, if the relationship meant something, it must have hurt like crazy.

To be clear, getting out of the relationship is not the tricky part, moving on is. How do I become a memory storage unit, press a button and BAM, I have a clean slate, a poor friend asked me over a bottle of beer. Clearly a bit buzzed, he opened his heart to a guy whilst I in my perfect senses, couldn’t find a way to console him. So buddy, hope you read this!

He broke with me on the phone. Was I so bad that he couldn’t meet me one last time?

A broken friend poured this out, when I asked how are things with her guy. This time though, I hugged her for five minutes and made her believe he wasn’t worth it. We guys indeed, are MCPs ( Google this, if you don’t know. Lovely little answers, for more elaborate answers, try ‘MCP guy ‘. )

So well bottom line, getting out of a relationship is very easy. Make a phone call, slap that guy or add the lucky one to your blocked list, VOILA ! game over.

Moving on, is where karma screws our be-hind. 

Well if you ask my opinion, I don’t have an answer to it, I never went through any of it. But well, I met people, I observed people and I picked up cues and if I could, I helped people.

So this is my NINE step guide, on how to move on. Pick up any of it and make sure you apply yourself.

1. Pick up a hobby : Love to pump some iron, hit a gym. Love the strings of your guitar, play all night. Love the nature, buy a DSLR. Stop fretting how he/she was the perfect one. Don’t drink alcohol on a spree as if the bartender is picking up tabs, and because Dev-D is your new role model. Don’t waste your precious little tears, you are gonna need it when your cat comes under your neighbor’s car or when you screw up your examination or well, you don’t get something you have been a pestering your parents for quite sometime! Give yourself a direction, and give it your best. I have seen failures turn into nerds, why can’t you?

2. Make better decisions for a better future : People ask why we broke up? Didn’t I love enough? Well, if you are asking this, most probably you did. But yes, you sucked at decision making. You forgot that karma’s a bit*h, she’ll bit you in the arse! So now shit has happened, make sure you are a better judge of events next time around. Think of the consequences of your actions and ask yourself loud, Would this give me a better future or am just going down the road? Remember, going uphill is always hard, but then that’s where the peak is.

And this gets me to the next point.

3. Grow some ba**s ( OO ) : Your boss doesn’t care if your boyfriend dumped you last night. Your office colleague doesn’t care what happened with you, she’s probably worried if her boyfriend is getting her that gift or not. Your friends might be worried, they’ll call a zillion times, but then they have their own mess to deal with. So stop whining and take a stand, literally. Stand in front of the mirror and decide once in for all, enough of this self – pity, it time I grew a set. Make a list if you want of all the things you have learned. Use them as a parameter, next time you need to judge someone.

4. Go for a trip : If you’re reading this, .99 probability that you are an Indian. And if you are, it means you are tired of your life. We are not like the US where we have buildings to go on the 110th floor and look at the city. We are not even like Africa, where you can go sit on a ranch and watch the wildlife. Your life is stuck between assignments , paychecks and parents pestering to either study or get married. Now this break up is an additional burden, slapped right on your face. What to do? Pack your bags and head for a trip. It can be one day or two or for a week. It can be India or abroad. It on you to decide, I am not your travel agent !

5. Stop staying alone : Everyone loves home, everyone loves the bed and everyone loves the blanket. But go out, make new friends and learn about new people. Experiences are meant to be shared, so hear and speak !

6. Learn to forgive : He might have been the worst guy on the planet or she might have been the best thing that wrecked your life. But they gave you memories, memories that you are going to remember for sometime. They changed you, made you stronger. So give them a call or leave a text, tell them you forgive them but this is the end of the road. Or don’t do anything at all, just forgive them in your heart . Choice is yours!

7. Embrace impermanence : Know this, that nothing is permanent. What’s permanent are the hearts you carved on the trees at the ridge road of north campus or at the Red fort.

Apart from that, zilch. Everything runs its course and ends someday or another. It might in a day or a week or an year or when god plays the referee and rules you out. Cherish the present and long for a future and work for it .

8. Keep yourself open to options : You are moving on, but you can’t do it alone. So you hold hands of the next guy who is around. Chances are he might be a good one and hold your hand forever or chances are, he uses the hand as a pretext of dragging yourself further. So be wise, you have the mental faculty to know whether its the right person to be around or not. You have a list of things where you went wrong, the last time around. Refer to it !

See how much attention he/she pays to what you speak instead of what you wear.  Observe how much he/she tries to know you? Slow your horses down and make good decisions. The kind of decisions that you can be proud of, the kind of decisions that make the ones around you happy too !

And the last, Ninth: …. .. .. ..

Wondered why there’s nothing in ninth, simple reason: we all are different. Whatever I wrote is something I observed, but it doesn’t mean its going to work for you too. Discover yourself, ask yourself the right questions and see yourself in a different light. Remember, with head held high and shoulders upright, world just seems a different place!

ALL THE BEST for this amazing new journey and hope I was of some help!

Cheers,

Lucifer.

PS: Feel free to comment on what you think about it. Feel free to ridicule me. And feel free to help someone with how you moved on. Fictional/non fictional, everything’s invited.

 

 

 

For all that we have lost :)

An year back, someone unknown or known asked me to write about love. I could never express about love that time, neither can I do that now. Love for me, has had no definitions, something I have never felt with a warmth in my heart. The feeling I know is of loss, is of happiness, is of a smile on someone else’s face because of you. I have never valued love; not because it is available like a t-shirt in the flea market,  but because to describe love is like describing the air we breathe or the gods we pray to.

For me, love is care. Love is the tears that roll down randomly, when you miss someone. And most importantly, love is the ache, the void that you sense when your mind and heart wander aimlessly on a quest for answers, on solving the jigsaw of the past.

So think back, introspect, look for people who you have lost. Think of them, value them, ask yourself, has that void been filled? If you did, how did you fill it? Have you covered it like a trench or have you leased it out to someone else. If its a lease, do you cherish the people you have now. Do they make you happy? If they do,  how often do you tell them that you care for them now, that they are not just tenants in that leased heart of yours? Do you tell them that they matter? Do you tell them that life is insignificant without their presence?

If you don’t, do it !

We live in a world where we tend to forget the importance of relationships in conquest of career, in conquest of money, in conquest of the short term happiness. And in this race, we forget the very people who define us. We forget the people, who love each other everyday, irrespective of what we do. We forget the people who made us we are today. And we forget the people in the past, the one’s we lost, but the ones that defined us !

Think of the promises you made to yourself, to your ‘cared’ ( read, loved)  ones. Think of the time you spent with them, think how has your life changed without their presence. Have you made peace with yourself ? Have you forgotten them and moved ahead? Or, have you left them alone after the promises of camaraderie.

On this eventful day when you stumbled on the my blog, do something. A simple process called thinking.

Think of someone whose tears made you cry.

Think of the time when you kept the phone down and called back because you couldn’t resist it.

Think of someone whose sadness made you weak in the knees.

Think of someone for whom you stayed awake all night.

Think of someone for whom you stayed hungry, just because they were hungry. 

Think of someone whom you fed by your own hands.

Think of someone for whom you sacrificed your happiness.

Think of someone whose minutest problems led you to a nervous breakdown.

This someone might not be just the lover, it might well be your parents, your kids or well your friends.

 And then think, are they still there in your life? If they are, do you thank them enough or let them know what they meant to you? Human life is short and with time, the circle of relationships constricts, leaving you with a selected few. And you tend to forget about the ones you have lost, forgetting the ones you have said your goodbyes to.

Do you live your life with content or do you believe it is a compromise? Because if it is a compromise, it is not worth it. Do you still try hate them while your insides crawl up. Do you forge a smile while the heart cries? Do you pretend to love while you have left your heart far behind?

If these questions make you think, well you know the answer. And well willpower can lead your way.

Make an effort to make sure that tomorrow morning  is happier than today’s . Call up the ones you have lost and you miss. Tell them how you feel. Because,  they might feel the same.

Because, their nights might be filled with introspection too.

Because, they might not have answers to all these questions too.

And well because, forgetting is not just moving on 🙂

                                                                                                                                                          – Lucifer.

 

 

 

 

HOPE: The Shawshank Redemption

‘Hope is a good thing, and good things never die’: The Shawshank Redemption.

I had never come around to watch ‘The Shawshank Redemption’. Of all the wonderful movies, I have ever seen, I never understood why I never sat down earnestly to watch this one. And now that I have watched it, I think I’ll be mesmerized for a long, long time.

There are always movies that would hit you, leave a dent irreparable, motivated to conquer something in this world. However, have you actually wondered, how many movies you see got you moved, ready to take on the world. Be the change you have always wanted to be or more importantly, changed something you have always pledged yourself to do.

But then life isn’t just about changes, right? Had changes been so easy wouldn’t we be the perfect copies of each other, successful in the quanta’s of success as we define it, perfect as we measure it?

Change is a very elaborate process. It doesn’t come with a ‘thirty minute guarantee’ like our pizzas or a fifteen day trail pack like the fairness creams. It grows into us slowly as we pick traits from the environment, it takes cues from the experience and  we travel the road we had taken. It might come from the incidents that move you, small deeds and actions that might bring a whole lot of perspective in our life.

Irrespective of how our life shapes itself or how many changes we think it requires, we always possess something is a source of our happiness; something that we call our own- our own dreams, our own people, our own anything. These might be perceptible or be a part of subtle background, but they are ours, they are our own hopes.

We might have the perfect person in our life or the correct set of friends as we desire. At the risk of sounding clichéd, I might call it love. Has it ever occurred to you, that you forget how strong the bond is? We tend to move ahead of it and we believe that love has happily deserted us.

But do we actually stop, stand our ground and think for a while. Besieged by problems, troubled by the mention of problems, we give up on those very things that define. We believe that it wasn’t meant to be and we should look for other ways that might contain us.

We believe that love has given up on us, but has it? Have we given up on love? We have given up on something rather more important, that is – HOPE!

For others like me, we find happiness in our dreams. In the darkest hours of night, I am sure my dreams leave a smile on my face. Because, somewhere deep inside them, I find what I have always looked for- my reasons to reach the state of blessitude.

But the worst hours are the ones that come after that, the mornings. It is the time when we decide to give up on those very reasons that pierce through our heart.

We for no reason, presume that things can’t be the way we have always wanted. We suck ourselves into the vicious circle of karma again, the monotony of the day, too afraid to step out and venture in the world of our contentment- the world of our hope!

We kill our dreams, the way we killed our love, our people (metaphorically!), because we weren’t strong enough to believe in ourselves. We talk about standing to people, facing the world with held high but instead, we are afraid to face ourselves. How many of us would look in the mirror and proudly say that whatever we involve ourselves in, we are proud of it? I speak for myself, I cannot.

And if we cannot, we exhibit cowardice. We are the ones who are too afraid to do what they know might be right. The ones who would refuse to follow their heart because their hope couldn’t find strength in its belief.

Life is simple, uncluttered and awarding. All it requires is us to have strength and to be truthful to ourselves. All it requires us is to have hope.

All it requires from you, is to believe in your belief’s which you know are right. Believe in your happiness.  For once, try not to mix your brain and your heart. If you know what your heart has always wanted, take the plunge and go for it. Your mind would follow on its own.

If you are one of those readers, who are heartbroken or miss the person you have always loved- wait for him, talk to him or tell him how you feel. If the love of your life is the one in front of you, build your life around him. Have hope in your love and be proud of the fact that you have someone you can mould your life around.

If you are like me, who believes in a dream but are not just motivated enough to go for it, then think of the mirror which you’ll face in twenty years from now. Would you be able to look in the mirror and answer the question with confidence when you are asked that have you’ve achieved everything you’d aspired for?

Don’t let your hopes crumble because hopes give direction to your life. Hope’s lead you to your heart’s strongest feelings, your loved ones or the happiness that you have always wished for.  If you have set a goal for yourself, respect it, think about it and move forward to achieve it.

And if it’s right, you’ll never be lost.

And if you are never lost, maybe you’ll be one step closer to perfection.

– lucifIer.

Dear Delhi, Goodbye.

I would make this the least dramatic blog entry, I have ever made. Less florid and more content, simply because I think I have so much to write.

Everyday I sit at home and wonder the same thing? Have the mumbai ghosts came back to haunt me? Would I again get scared, miss my mother, miss the friendly smiles and the passing squalls and run back to Delhi again?

No one knows, not even me. The “goosebumps” have started to rush in, the feeling that Delhi would soon be behind me starting to sink.

And it tears me apart and I wonder am I such a kid? Am I “the” kid who everyone  fondly calls “mamma’s boy”?

Again no one knows, specially not me.

But then I realize, its not me. Its this city, Delhi. The city that belongs to me rather the city I belong to.

The city where I opened my eyes and the city where I hope, I would close them.

People talk about the rashness, the rape cases and the road rages. People blame Delhi for what it is, but how often do we sit back and enjoy it?

And I just don’t mean the beauty of Delhi, the morning chirping of the birds and the light showers that come with the breeze.

Not just the beautiful India Gate on a slightly calm evening and not just the early morning chill at CP.

Delhi for me has transcended all of that, to be my city of dreams.

Two days before leave, it suddenly strikes me that in my life it would be the first time of my life when I would leave Delhi. And then I start thinking what I would miss the most.

This is what I come up with.

1. Winters: Something I am sure I wont be the only one who loves the “wintery” Delhi.

I have lost count how many times I have rolled down the windows and let the chill freeze me while driving. Reaching university and sitting along the road, sipping tea and providing my frosted hands warmth. Walking down the road in just a shirt when temperatures threaten to touch single digits with teeth chattering.

Sitting at a CCD watching the early morning fog while commuters grapple, would always fill my heart.

Not to forget, the late night XXX rum, thanks to my army friend 🙂

2. Roads: Something I would miss the most. I don’t know is it justified to call it road- mania but this gripped me when I was in Mumbai and I am sure hyderabad would be no better even after four years.

Am sure, every night when I would sleep I would still imagine the wide, fast flyovers and the unnecessary honking.

3. Two A’s: No where else would you notice the two A’s, a characteristic of people who have absolutely nothing to do. If there is anything that comes for free in Delhi are the two A’s: Abuses and Advices.

And I would miss both of them. Been at the receiving end and the giving end, I know there is a different fun in all of it. Only a typical Delhi-wallah would know.

4. Street food: McDonalds can stick to”baap ke zamane ke daam” because we something cheaper and of course nicer. The golgappas and the pao bhajis and the unlimited moma wala nepalis and the chicken and egg roll walas who have been my brothers always, I am gonna miss you.

And remember all the flies that infested it, only made it better 🙂

5. The bars specially the “car-O-bar”: I would miss all the wine and beer shops for the cheap liquor and the effective technique every alcoholic in Delhi had made use of. The car-O-bar.

6. Love: No wonder whatever anybody might say, we delhiwalas are good people. We delhi walas have a heart. We might not show it and hide it beneath layers of expensive clothing, but we know how to love.

And its not just a typical girl-guy relationship. Its every relationship be it your parents, the relatives or the friends. Of course, its a characteristic of a person not the place but Delhi is the place who has given me all that.

Wonderful parents who have showered love, condoned my biggest mistakes and fulfilled all my whims. The females who have managed to let this message come across that I am not unwanted.

Delhi you have had a part to play and trust me, am obliged.

SO,

when I leave Delhi,

I leave with a heavy heart,

you my Delhi have always been a part.

I may be far, I may be away

but for you, my love won’t sway.

With times long gone, times that we cherish

the feelings would refuse to perish.

With head held high,

I dive in air to fly.

I know, I would fall and I would cry,

beholden to my Delhi, I won’t die 🙂

 

 

but as for now,

Dear Delhi, Goodbye!

 

 

Dejection!

Just when you think you are the god”s lucky child, god nips into buds any such outlandish idea. How sad this life can be? The three mistakes of my life would be:

Not to study in 12th grade. Not to study the first two years of engineering and after successfully completing 90% of a work, hoping the ethereal force would come into play. But no, just when you think some things are going the way you want them to be something has to happen !

The week I had prepared for, for the past one year turns out to be the most disastrous. Be it an examination you have aspired for from the begining and literally breathed the last few months.

Or be it just the ideal job you had been preparing for the last one year.

Or this blog, that no one ever bothers to read. Yet I keep the hope.

All of this feels just like the wave of sea, how hard you try to stop always flows back.

How am I different from others? When I know I have put an effort more than others? Why can’t god just support you for something you have planned for yourself? Why should there be impediments in whatever you do?

Why can’t god just take care of that small responsibility I expect him to do?

 

Wanderlust

 

Five minutes before I start working, sitting on the nook early morning at 5 am with a cup of tea and the aroma of wet sand wafting the air, it all seems so heavenly. So i decided to write something before I move back to monotony.

My heart sinks for the fun trip I would be missing on 16th and the 17th, the hills calling me. I have loved the hills sitting at those dhabas, early morning with a tea in your hand cold wind giving you a peck lightly on your cheeks and turning you frigidly blue.

I have loved the beaches, the quite ones and the noisy ones alike. I have loved the clear water of better beaches and I have loved the dark brown stygian water of well, Indian beaches. Be it the crowd at the Juhu beach with sev puri at 6’o clock in the evening and seeing kids prancing in water or be it the quiet serene beaches set up for a nice walk, my heart longs for both of them.

Then I realize how long has it been that I haven’t given myself a break, not gone out seen the world. But then, that is the age right. If there is a time to do something, the time is now.

Not figuratively, but yes literally.

So I have one quite look at the watch  and tell myself ” YES ! The wanderlust would have to wait. Yes ! I have to  get tied down to my work because it might be the filial responsibilities or a deep urge to carve a niche of my own”

But yes, wanderlust I just want you to know, I still think about you day and night.

Till then let us enjoy Delhi, for we may not love it for what it really is but it in itself is a beautiful place specially the Monsoon.

And that becomes an issue to write on, exactly 10 days from now 🙂

Adios amigos!

30 days to GRE.

Day 30: With exactly 30 days left ( +8), the other 8 appropriated for college examinations, I am worried how would things work out for me. I am left with chunks of vocabulary and the barrons seems to surprise me every time I open a word list.

Seems like, it is not just the GRE  that’s adaptive 😀

I am worried if coaching is required at this point of time for verbal and quant but then I wonder a little guidance and 4 hours of study can never hurt anybody.

Hope I am not at the wrong road or as barron’s says on the road to perdition or plumbing new depths.

Another two days before I take my first look at the mock test scores. Hope I do manage to crack what I had intended to do.

PS: Its just might be on the blog but i guess no one really ever reads it.

Faithlessness

With the post titled with perhaps the biggest word in my dictionary, I was insanely bored and lost in the realms of feelings when I thought about churning out some not-so intellectual blog entry.  Even though the post is titled faithlessness it is somehow a topic, I have no intentions of writing out, as a matter of fact I don’t even know how this post would turn out like.

Roughly eight months of being sober I still somehow have that urge to see how it is like. Drown myself in it and swim through the different pages and go on a random liking spree.

Oh yes, just when you thought I meant drinking or perhaps smoking it is entirely a different fiasco. I meant “facebook-ing” or “wall-ing” or “poking” or “app-ing” or I dont care how many new names have come up for this social networking thing.

Its funny I was in an interview a week back and the CTO ( Chief Technical Officer) after having squeezed all my blood he could,  asked me a very random question ” How much time do you spend ‘facebook-ing’.”?

I stammered for a while in my otherwise perfectly fluent interview and replied, ” Um! None.”

When he asked me why I gathered up all the courage I had and with smirk (while actually all I intended to do was ridicule him) replied ” Because sir, I have a few brains cells that provoke me not to talk to a wall”  or well spy through other’s personal lives which they have openly made public.

The next question he said was ” Do you think social networking has been profitable for anyone? Its just a waste of time!”

Nodding in agreement all i could say was “Indeed sir, it has been quite profitable for a person namely Mark Zuckerberg and a few venture capitalists recently. Think in terms of it, You just made a Harvard dropout youngest billionaire in the world.”

Anyway, back to the topic that I meant. Faithlessness.

lucifier.wordpress.com was in ramshackles unless I had this sudden urge to pen my feelings down.

Two and a half years after, all I had to do was to open up the ever so faithful wordpress and reset my password.

And here it was,  my spelling error so evident ( “Lucifier” is actually a spelling error, the actual name being Lucifer.)

And then all I had to do was think in retrospect how much our life has degenerated. In the span of these two quick years, so much did change. But what changed the most “People”.

They came and they went.

They came and never went.

They came but they stayed like a thorn to kick my (ours, really) ass every damn day.

Ask anyone around you about  how they feel about existence.Not of their owns but yours or people around them.

Fresh lovebirds,new friends  are just like those electronic gadgets. You need them once and would use them for a while and after a while you would start longing for replacements. The only difference being its harder to dispose and of course you can’t buy both of them with money.

Of course people would disparage me for saying so but then it is one hell of a truth.  A better “model” or a gizmo loaded with far more “features” is available on the storehouse just for you, begging for your attention and nine times out of ten we would love to trade it with what we have.

So that is faithlessness, the faith you have in people around you. People tend to change just like times and just with times. How hard you may try or how hard you try to catch hold of the fine coarse sand that would weave through your fingers and fall to the ground.

Faith is just that sand.

So what is the best way to catch hold of that faith? Seriously, I have no clue.

How hard you try to keep the love or the new friend “new”, they both as a matter of fact would get old. They would fight with you and would soon make you realize that they are not the package they both claimed to be.

The instructions written in their manual are not how they need to be really operated.

And then they would render you clueless vexed/peeved at the faithlessness.

Someone wise said “Make just a single friend. Who walks with your thick and thin”. While their are no stipulated doctrines, I would still say a time would come when he/she would disappoint you, rile you into an imbroglio or be a worth contender of your abhorrence.

So my suggestion would be, find a job. Not the job that keeps you in office for the 12 hours and begs you to make softwares.

Find a friend in something that helps you smile. It may be making dresses for yourself or maybe drowning yourself in pools of liquor, just like Mr. Devdas did.

It may be studying novels or playing some music. Or it just might be the drunken revelry, the carousal that you can hang on to everyday.

Or in my case, it might be lucifier.wordpress.com faithful as ever with a small “reset my password” on the top begging to be embraced, time and again in my good for nothing arms.

PS: A comment won’t hurt, EVER !